As we have seen in a previous post, attacks of the inner critic are devastating. An important question then is: why do we keep doing this to our selves?

People with good self-esteem have confidence in themselves, and they solve problems instead of worrying about them, cope with conflict directly instead of waiting for them to pass. When self-esteem is low, so is the self confidence, and one does not feel as effective - so he/she relies on the inner critic to help them fulfill their basic needs: (1) to be secure and unafraid, (2) effective and competent in the world , (3) accepted by our parents and partners and (4) a sense of worth and OK-ness in most situations.

To better understand how the critic helps us meet those need, we need to look at reinforcements of the critic:

  • Positive reinforcement (when a rewarding event follows a particular behavior). The critic gets positively reinforced in different ways. We all have the need to do right (according to our values and principles) and to achieve. Critic get positively reinforced when he eventually makes us achieve or follow the right choices and behaviors through coercion, "whipping us like an old dray horse". If this is a strategy you use to change a behaviour (e.g. learn to drink moderately), it's worth reconsidering it, as in the long run, it often back-fires. Another positive reinforcement comes from feeling close to critical parents by joining our parents in their attacks against us. The most paradoxal reinforcement comes from the feelings of self-worth (as the critic ultimately undermines our self-worth). A first approach is continuous comparing with other people: many times we finds ourselves less adequate than others, and our feeling of self-worth takes a blow. However, occasionally, we rank our selves better - and that is the reinforcement the critic builds upon. It's like gamble - you can get easily addicted to inserting coins in a slot machine because sometimes you get a large reward. A second approach of the critic is setting incredibly high standards. For most of the time, you suffer from attacks for not measuring up to those standards. "But once in a great while, everything comes together in a miraculous perfection". So you keep inserting those coins in the slot machine.
  • Negative reinforcement (behavior that results in stopping a (psychological) pain, even for a short while). The critic has several strategies for negative reinforcement. A first one has again to do with feeling of self-worth. The sense of inadequacy typical for people with low self-esteem is so painful, that we do almost anything to escape it. While the critic drives us to reach impossibly high standards, we do not feel so hopeless - "if you just worked hard enough, kicked your self hard enough, fought hard enough to transform your self, all things would be possible". Another set of strategies has to do with fear of rejection and failure. The critic protects us from the anxiety inherent in change process and risk taking, makes us safe by making us believe we can not achieve something anyway so we better stay where we are. And if we reject our self first, or if we anticipate rejection as not worthy of love, we also feel less  vulnerable to the actual rejection, should it ever come. The critic can help you deal with anger by redirecting it toward your self, with guilt by providing punishment, or with frustration by providing temporary relief through self-directed anger.

Of course, these are all short term strategies, and to get the sort-term reward they provide, we pay a very high price in lowered self worth.

Understanding how the critic gets reinforced in your case can help you "catch him" the next time he strikes. Go back through the list of examples and think about what are the strategies and the role of the critic for you.

Take good care of your self!