I was triggered by a discussion about the importance of rules in self change. I think there is a very important aspect about rules not to be ignored. If not carefully formulated, rules can be used by our inner critic to undermine our self-esteem. When this happens, not only we feel bad, but we also undermine our change process. We may feel like a failure, and not worthy any further efforts to change. Our psyche will probably use all the tools available to protect us from this hurt, and this may mean going back to the well known, safe coping mechanisms (drinking, over-eating, anger...).

So I took McKay's book on self-esteem to see  what it has to say about rules? The chapter "The Shoulds" starts with a discussion about values. It tells us a story about a black doorman who saved a white girl from a tour bus, back in 1952. What's interesting about this story is the very different reactions it elicited. The doorman's wife was furious, telling him he was was wrong to risk his wife and children's wellbeing, and that his family should come first. His brother also disapproved, saying "if you're going to sacrifice your self, at least do it for one of our own". The hotel manager was of course pleased, and the doorman's pastor described his deed as heroic.

"The same event triggered these very different reactions because of the unique belief system through which people filter the world. Reality hardly matters. What really counts are the values and rules... you use to judge your behaviour".

And here is the core problem with shoulds, "the pathological critic uses your beliefs and values to attack you. The "shoulds" that make up your rules for living form the ideological basis of the critic's effort to destroy your self-esteem. The critic is constantly evaluating what you say, what you do, and even what you feel by comparing you to the ideal of perfection. Since you never live up to the ideal... critic has endless grounds for indicting you as bad or worthless."

So why do we have such beliefs? What the book teaches us is that we form belifs and values to respond to some basic needs. E.g. "our first values and beliefs were formed out of the need to be loved and approved of by our parents. In order to feel safe and cared for, we adopted their beliefs about such things as how to work, how to handle anger, mistakes... And in our need to please the parents, we may have even accepted such negative labels as selfish, stupid, weak or lazy". There are two other major sources: the need to feel belonging and approval from peers and the need for emotional and physical well being. A number of studies have shown that our values and beliefs change dramatically in response to changes in role or status.

Since most beliefs are formed in response to needs, they have nothing to do with "the truth", or reality. But it is the idea, conviction of their absolute truth that gives them power. "This is the tyranny of shoulds: the absolute nature of belief, the unbending sense of right and wrong. If you do not live up to your shoulds, you judge your self to be a bad and unworthy person. This is why people torture them selves with guilt and self blame..."

The book then goes to describe the qualities of healthy values (vs. unhealthy ones):

  • "Healthy values are flexible. Flexible rules allow for exceptions when circumstances warrant, while unhealthy rules are unbending and universally applied. They often include words like never, always, all, totally, perfectly... Flexible rules include a built-in awareness that a certain percentage of the time you will fail to live up to the ideal standard..."
  • Healthy values are owned rather than introjected, meaning you've examined if a rule really applies to your specific person and situation, rather than simply accept (e.g. parental, expert...) rules without this examination.
  • Healthy values are realistic - based on assessment of positive vs. negative consequences. A realistic rule promotes behaviour that leads to positive consequences and long-term happiness for the people involved. Unrealistic rules are absolute and global. They prescribe a bahaviour because it's "right" or "good". "Your pain is irrelevant, your happiness is irrelevant. All that counts is doing "the right" thing. "
  • Healthy values are life-enhancing rather than life-restricting. They give you the flexibility to pursue your emotional, sexual, intellectual and recreational needs.

If you carefully read what I have written, you will see that I am not preaching "foolish freedom" of life without rules (a term coined by "Changing for Good"). Healthy rules promote behaviors "that lead to positive consequences, and long term happiness". We know that for most of us, this implies moderate behaviour. Rather, I am saying that for us, who are prone to self-criticism, it is important to carefully examine our thinking and our rules, to build in the flexibility that allows for learning, and to fine tune them to our specific situation and context.

Be good to your self

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