In previous posts on self-esteem, we learned about the inner critic and the devastating effect he can have on us. The weird thing is that the critic plays an important role in our lives, in meeting our basic needs: he either helps us feel or do stuff, or protects us from negative feelings. This is also an important clue in learning how to catch the critic when she strikes. And being able to catch him is the first step in gaining control over her.

So, a first suggestion is to look back at the (non-exhaustive) list of examples of how the critic helps us meet our needs, and to put a star next to each item that feels applicable to you. Here is the list again: forcing us to do right, to achieve, feeling close to critical parents by joining our parents in their attacks against us, need for self worth through comparing with other people and setting incredibly high standards to, avoiding fear of rejection and failure. You can find a more detailed explanation in the previous post "Why do we listen to the inner critic".

As the next step, the following exercise is suggested. First, you can spend one day systematically writing down every attack of the critic. E.g. "what a stupid remark I just made", or "why can't I be like her?", "I failed again, I will never learn how to moderate"... Then after the day is over, for each thought, each attack, you can make an analysis and try to uncover which need does this help fulfill. You can think along two lines: "What does this help me do, or feel" (e.g. motivated to do better) and "What does this help me avoid feeling" (e.g. hurt if she leaves me).

The authors say that doing the exercises is essential - and that learning how to control the critic can not be done without carrying them out. To be honest, I find it very difficult to integrate the exercises in the daily life. I also find it difficult to catch the thoughts. It's like my critic appears to be silent. If I pay attention, I can recognize the feelings that the attacks cause (e.g. hurt), but not the actual words the critic is using. So far I was thinking that it's just so hard to hear the actual words, because we are so used to the attacks. Furthermore, maybe he just talks in shorthand, as the authors indicate. I don't know. Maybe it's not that important. I am happy that now I can at least be aware of the feelings he causes - being able to catch him this way.

An interesting suggestion is be extra attuned during "problematic situations": meeting strangers, contact with people you find sexually attractive, situations in which you made a mistake, when you feel criticized and defensive, interactions with authority figures, when you feel hurt or someone's been angry at you, situations in which you risk rejection or failure, conversations with parents or anyone who might be disapproving.

An approach that worked for me was to try to "back-trace" the thoughts from feelings and the situation. Sometimes when I know I'm feeling hurt from the critic's attacks, I try to stop and think what could it be that the critic was saying to me. I try some sentences, thoughts - what is it that the critic could have been saying to me to make feel that way in this situation? Some resonate with me more than others. I like to identify a sentence, because then I can start to discuss this with my self, to refute it. This makes me feel better. For example, I observe someone's success at work - someone's done something nice. I suddenly feel my self worth is under attack. It happens in a second. I know the critic was there, comparing me, and criticizing me - why haven't you also done that? And better! Without being aware of this, I would open my self for another attack, stemming from a moral judgment: you are envious! I have been living too long under the double whammy of such attacks.

But if I remember it's the critic who said something that made me feel bad, I can start to have a reasonable discussion with my self and analyse the situation. I actually find out that I can learn from the success of others, and that I am happy for them, and also happy to have them on my team. I then can also look at my self, put my self in the context, sooth my self, and make peace with me.

So for me, as it was clear from the example, the critic plays two major roles: in helping me achieve and do right things. I have learned to link my identity to my achievements and moral judgment of my behavior. But now, I am learning to see the complexity of me, life, people around me, and also context dependency of behaviors and related judgments. As I start to understand the depths, complexity and various motivations of human behavior, I tend to be less judgmental of my self (the black and white nature of moral judgments is just too simplistic). The funny thing is, that as I am becoming more accepting of my self, I start getting to know my self better, seeing also my "bad" side - side that I used to consider bad, so my psyche was hiding it from me to avoid the continuous attacks.